Movie Mondays?

Comic by Toothpaste for Dinner

One of my countless international superfans (a.k.a. my sister's friend in Japan) has requested that I write more movie reviews on my blog.

Unfortunately, I have not seen any new movies as of late, nor are there any films currently in theatres that particularly tickle my fancy.

Any suggestions?

The most recent film I saw was Sex and the City 2. For what it's worth, here's my 5-second movie review:

"It wasn't the best I ever had, but I don't regret it. Cheap thrills."

 Moving on.

The remainder of this blog post was inspired by chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, proving that gluttony can be productive:

Staring at the quickly-melting gallon scoop of ice cream in my bowl one hot summer's night, I noticed two horrified chocolate chip eyes and one gaping cookie dough mouth staring right back at me.  

What is my ice cream trying to tell me?, I thought to myself. What is it trying to say?

And so, like any other sensible human being, I gave my ice cream a voice.

I may scream, you may scream and/or we all may scream for ice cream, but the only thing this bowl of dessert was shrieking was, "I'm melting! Melting!" à la the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz.

And so, like any other rational-minded person, I thought to myself, If other inanimate objects could talk using only movie quotes, what would they say?

Et voilà:

If  ______ could talk, it would say... 

My computer monitor:
"Wipe that face off your head, bitch."
- Darla Marks (Parker Posey), Dazed and Confused 

My radio:
"Turn up the good, turn down the suck!"
- Dean Murdoch (Paul Spence), FUBAR

A glow stick:
"E.T. phone home."
- E.T., E.T.

A toilet:
"The horror...the horror..."
- Kurtz (Marlon Brando), Apocalypse Now

The CN Tower:
"Nobody puts Baby in a corner."
- Johnny Castle (Patrick Swazye), Dirty Dancing

The moon:
"Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll."
- Billy Madison (Adam Sandler), Billy Madison

Hair gel: 
"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."
- Richard Castellano (Peter Clemenza), The Godfather

Corn:
"I'll be back."
- The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger), The Terminator


Did I just write all of that? I'll get better soon, I promise.

Your turn.